whenever my husband is out with his guy friends, they all complain about how much sex they are not having with their wives. the worse part is the wives probably have to idea how miserable they are making their spouses. you know, a spouse. someone whom these women take an entire calendar year and have paid an arm and a leg inorder to pledge allegiance to.
and so over the years people have also come to him and i to talk about IT. yes, It... good ol' It. and sometimes It's an eye opener. first of all, i don't think this just pertains to the conservative population, but a plague amongst most houses. Woman are Not having sex with their husbands. the men are, in a word, begging. and the woman are, in a word, fridgid. so i say to these men, "welllllllllll, why dont you talk to her about it." and the answer is,"No way! it will only make her angry resulting in even less sex."
so Ladies, let me give you this analogy, men are like dogs. Guys, hold on! don't leave yet, hear me out! ahem!... men are like dogs. they always come around to be petted. and sure, a few times you tell them, "Oh, not now, go lay down." and they will obey. but if you ignore a dog for too long, they will find someone else to pet them. they may choose a real woman of flesh and blood. or they can go the easy route and choose a digital woman of silicone and spray-on tan. Men Need sex. not want, Need. i've always joked that my husband could be in a full body cast and would still be asking for sex.
but how can a man make a woman understand his overwhelming longing? you put her in your shoes, well, not literally, unless of course your into that sort of thing. Make her realize that you are doing every thing you can to fulfill her needs. women Need to talk. at some point in the day i Have to talk to him! what's so urgent and important that i Must talk to him about? Nothing. honestly, i do what all women do, i talk about a lot boring shit that he doesnt care about. These "conversations", or in this case, ear rapings, could consist of subject matter ranging from "How one day i'd like to be a vegetarian", to "What my mom and i talked about on the phone" and not limited to "I hate my job and no one there appreciates me.". but he listens intently, asking questions and adding thoughts. a smirk here, a head nod and raised eyebrow there. sprinkle in some furrowed brow to show maxium absorption . and when i'm done giving him that days run down, i feel that in some way him and i are closer. a load has been lifted. an itch has been scratched. we are on the same page and living harmoniously together as One.
if one day he came home from work and said, "sorry babe, i cant listen to you today, i have a headache.". i would be understandable and say "oh, it's okay, hun.". but if he did that every day for a week, i would be pissed off beyond belief. so many questions would rage in my head in a perfect storm. 'Why is he ignoring me?' "What? He doesnt even have time to talk to his own wife anymore!?" "Another Excuse? Why is he doing this to me?". and then i would be transformed into, what i like to call, the crazy bitch. ah, yes, the crazy bitch. some say she can only be seen when the moon is full and her hormonal levels are askew. neither i or the unhinged ogress would put up with him lying every day inorder to avoid me/us. so why is it, Ladies, that it's perfectly okay to completely ignore our mens ravenous hunger? i mean, throw the guy a bone, literally. example, i am a completely stressed out person with a house to clean, meals to cook, breastfeeding a crawling infant in cloth diapers and raising an autistic 4 year old. and yet last week we had sex 7 times in a 7 day period. though, that number was a bit above average. i'd say 4 times a week is more our speed. i'm not trying to brag, my point is, if I can make time, anyone can.
so men, listen to your wives talk forever about what seems to be nonsense. why do you think men have been writing women sonnets and love songs for hundreds of years? because it gets them laid! or in some cases a restraining order. but it's worth the risk! women need to feel a verbal connection to their mate. someone who appeals to their emotional side. so work up the cajones to talk to your wives about getting more tail. in the end, you'll both benefit. so please, burn some calories and release some Oxytocin. go forth, and in the words of dr. sheldon cooper, perform coitus.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Sunday, March 6, 2011
The Airing of Grievances
so that other 96% of the christian conservative population... let's just say the bug inside of the bug in their ass has to die. within this group i also find people are trying to outdo each other. a "keeping up with the jones'", if you will, only they are trying to be the most orthodox. it is a conservative competition, a traditionalist tri-athalon, a pious pie eating contest.... i digress. This is rampant. I mean, these people are cut throat for gold Jesus stars. The legalistic lifestyle they lead quickly can get out of control. For instance, i know a young woman who not only has never had a drop of alcohol in her whole enire life, but also does not wish for others around her to imbibe it. I knew another who didn't wish for others to say the Lord's name in vain in her presence, because she thought it was not only offensive to God, but also to her. Other's have not only stricken cursing from their vocabulary, but have now even censored their replacement words. For instance, 'Gosh' and 'Shoot' are perfectly acceptable, however, (for some reason) "Fricking" and "Freaking are just too "darn" close to the real "F" word. So, if you're a conservative christian and you really need to express some pure and bona fide frustration, do not fret, a kosher alternative has been found! "Flipping" is a substitute that was, (why, i'm not quite sure), deemed acceptable by your peers. Aside from the stickers, Christ ribbons in several categories could be awarded. Here's just a few: Best Snide Comment, Best Eye Roll, and my personal favorite, Miss Uncongeniality.
It's only a little bit into the race where some people realize one of two things. One, they aren't the athlete or pageant contestant they had thought them self to be. And two, they couldn't reach the level others expected them to perform at. and that's where, my friends, the mask wearing begins.
humor me, and imagine being in a room where everyone is wearing a mask and you are the only one going bare faced, (and if they are wearing clown masks, god help you.) a few years ago, i was involved with a bible study and church just like that. The study i signed up for was a doozy. i immediatly upon entry regretted ever going to. A group of people so utterly ridgid and judgemental that i was afraid of the dirty looks i would receive if i had to ask to use the restroom. (mind you, i was pregnant at the time.) i stayed and tried to ride it out. i thought that maybe it would get better. yeah...it didnt. one particular evening during prayer requests, one man with his head hanging started to lower his mask. He asked for people to pray for the struggles facing him. By the look on his face, i thought he was going to admit to doing something terrible. As he started to form his words, my mind began to race to the three big A's: Affair, Abuse and Addiction. He finally muttered his confession; he was depressed. Which very quickly he followed up by saying that he thought it was a side effect from the Lymes disease that he had recently contracted. The faces around me where even more surprising than the guys answer. They were embarassed for him and practically disgusted. Then it fully i dawned on me, these peope are in serious trouble.
So when someone does have, (sorry depression via Lymes disease people), a serious problem, what are they to do? How can they ever have true fellowship and oneness with the people around them? These people are completely alienated and slowly beat down by the ever over bearing atmosphere. They are repressing everything and admitting to nothing and that has serious damaging repercussions.
For me, what you see, is what you get. I own one or two pair of jeans, a handful of comfortable shoes. i've never died my hair and hardly wear make-up. Hell, for years i didn't buy bras with any padding because i considered it to be false advertising. i even write conversationally, i make up words and i don't care much for grammar (case in point). I think this 'i am me' extremism was a red flag to some and a life jacket to others.
it was then that i became the Listen Lady. People came to me with their problems they couldn't trust anyone else with. They knew I would not judge, scold or belittle. But the categories of tidbits I was sworn to never reveal to others in the flock, fall between the heavy and the comical.
Some of the lesser serious ones was when a woman confessed to me that she was, of all things, a Democrat. Yeah, that one can still bring a confused smile to my face. She seriously feared that if anyone found out it would spread like wild fire, then she would end up where i was, outside the cirlce. A few admitted to being intimate before marriage. One woman went as far as keeping that her and her husband had lived together before their wedding a complete secret. Some were social drinkers and there was even a couple of pot smokers. The most common closeted information was the utter unhappiness they felt about the overall stick up one's ass-ness that was seemingly everywhere. And yet they refused to anything about it. After all, the nail that sticks up will be hammered down.
Come on people, and rise up! Fight your represser! But they don't. Most sink back into their hard wooden pews and adjust their masks. Others set out on a long journey to find an oasis, their Shangri La: a compassionate and accepting church. We have heard legend that some exist, and we are going to find it. Come out! Come out! ...Where ever you are.
It's only a little bit into the race where some people realize one of two things. One, they aren't the athlete or pageant contestant they had thought them self to be. And two, they couldn't reach the level others expected them to perform at. and that's where, my friends, the mask wearing begins.
humor me, and imagine being in a room where everyone is wearing a mask and you are the only one going bare faced, (and if they are wearing clown masks, god help you.) a few years ago, i was involved with a bible study and church just like that. The study i signed up for was a doozy. i immediatly upon entry regretted ever going to. A group of people so utterly ridgid and judgemental that i was afraid of the dirty looks i would receive if i had to ask to use the restroom. (mind you, i was pregnant at the time.) i stayed and tried to ride it out. i thought that maybe it would get better. yeah...it didnt. one particular evening during prayer requests, one man with his head hanging started to lower his mask. He asked for people to pray for the struggles facing him. By the look on his face, i thought he was going to admit to doing something terrible. As he started to form his words, my mind began to race to the three big A's: Affair, Abuse and Addiction. He finally muttered his confession; he was depressed. Which very quickly he followed up by saying that he thought it was a side effect from the Lymes disease that he had recently contracted. The faces around me where even more surprising than the guys answer. They were embarassed for him and practically disgusted. Then it fully i dawned on me, these peope are in serious trouble.
So when someone does have, (sorry depression via Lymes disease people), a serious problem, what are they to do? How can they ever have true fellowship and oneness with the people around them? These people are completely alienated and slowly beat down by the ever over bearing atmosphere. They are repressing everything and admitting to nothing and that has serious damaging repercussions.
For me, what you see, is what you get. I own one or two pair of jeans, a handful of comfortable shoes. i've never died my hair and hardly wear make-up. Hell, for years i didn't buy bras with any padding because i considered it to be false advertising. i even write conversationally, i make up words and i don't care much for grammar (case in point). I think this 'i am me' extremism was a red flag to some and a life jacket to others.
it was then that i became the Listen Lady. People came to me with their problems they couldn't trust anyone else with. They knew I would not judge, scold or belittle. But the categories of tidbits I was sworn to never reveal to others in the flock, fall between the heavy and the comical.
Some of the lesser serious ones was when a woman confessed to me that she was, of all things, a Democrat. Yeah, that one can still bring a confused smile to my face. She seriously feared that if anyone found out it would spread like wild fire, then she would end up where i was, outside the cirlce. A few admitted to being intimate before marriage. One woman went as far as keeping that her and her husband had lived together before their wedding a complete secret. Some were social drinkers and there was even a couple of pot smokers. The most common closeted information was the utter unhappiness they felt about the overall stick up one's ass-ness that was seemingly everywhere. And yet they refused to anything about it. After all, the nail that sticks up will be hammered down.
Come on people, and rise up! Fight your represser! But they don't. Most sink back into their hard wooden pews and adjust their masks. Others set out on a long journey to find an oasis, their Shangri La: a compassionate and accepting church. We have heard legend that some exist, and we are going to find it. Come out! Come out! ...Where ever you are.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
background on this procrastinating protagonist
why the Listen Lady? a question, with a fairly nerdy answer. in the Simpsons episode 'in marge we trust', Rev. Lovejoy looses his love and joy for the church. to help fill in, Marge starts working at the church as the Listen Lady, taking the calls of distressed congregants.
after having been in the christian church for several years, i left completely alienated and annoyed. i went into it not wanting to believe that they were the clicky, hyprocrital, legalistic caricature i was taught to avoid by my semi-catholic mother and non-religious, yet spirtual, father. however, when you are head-over-heels for something, you don't realize that you are wearing blinders.
so what made me leave? long story. shorter version: conservatives, (and that is coming from a Former conservative). not all conservatives, about 4% of them are pretty decent people. they actually act Christ like. they love immensly, give more than they have. they listen and love reguardless of the horrible and boring dribble that comes out of your mouth. they are out there. though, if you want to find them, i suggest starting to overturn rocks and dredge rivers. i became a christian because of a couple just like this. they loved me even though i mocked, questioned and judged their faith. (oh yeah, i spent a good amount of my teenage years as a in-your-face atheist. Though, who didnt?). after a long time, their pure and loving ways made me want to be a better person, it restored my faith in god and people in general. and that's when it happened... i thought all christians were like them. yes, you can laugh out loud, it's okay. (for the people with their head so far up their pastor's ass, that are not laughing: step one - remove head from ass. step two - learn to laugh at yourself. if you can't, you're screwed the real world.)
So i entered into this church with a overly optimistic attitude. i wanted to immerse myself completely in what i thought would be a welcoming and nourishing community. however, it was like a bad relationship. everything seems fine for awhile. in fact, that person is everything you ever looked for, until, oh!, until small and puzzling incidents start popping up. you try ignore it over and over again. you keep turning the other cheeck. until, you turn that cheek so many times, you end up with whip lash, a neck brace, and a large hospital bill. then, the final straw. you realize that person will never change and you have no other choice, but to break it off. years later, when you drive past their neighborhood, you think, "dear god!, why did waste so much time with that person?!". maybe you laugh or cry, or do what i do best and let out a good deep annoyed breath.
so i walked away from that 'ex' with my eyes a little wider, mind a little opener, and heart a bit brokener. kinda of like when you realize that the american dream is, in fact, a dream. you start out with good intentions, but get lost somewhere along the way.
after having been in the christian church for several years, i left completely alienated and annoyed. i went into it not wanting to believe that they were the clicky, hyprocrital, legalistic caricature i was taught to avoid by my semi-catholic mother and non-religious, yet spirtual, father. however, when you are head-over-heels for something, you don't realize that you are wearing blinders.
so what made me leave? long story. shorter version: conservatives, (and that is coming from a Former conservative). not all conservatives, about 4% of them are pretty decent people. they actually act Christ like. they love immensly, give more than they have. they listen and love reguardless of the horrible and boring dribble that comes out of your mouth. they are out there. though, if you want to find them, i suggest starting to overturn rocks and dredge rivers. i became a christian because of a couple just like this. they loved me even though i mocked, questioned and judged their faith. (oh yeah, i spent a good amount of my teenage years as a in-your-face atheist. Though, who didnt?). after a long time, their pure and loving ways made me want to be a better person, it restored my faith in god and people in general. and that's when it happened... i thought all christians were like them. yes, you can laugh out loud, it's okay. (for the people with their head so far up their pastor's ass, that are not laughing: step one - remove head from ass. step two - learn to laugh at yourself. if you can't, you're screwed the real world.)
So i entered into this church with a overly optimistic attitude. i wanted to immerse myself completely in what i thought would be a welcoming and nourishing community. however, it was like a bad relationship. everything seems fine for awhile. in fact, that person is everything you ever looked for, until, oh!, until small and puzzling incidents start popping up. you try ignore it over and over again. you keep turning the other cheeck. until, you turn that cheek so many times, you end up with whip lash, a neck brace, and a large hospital bill. then, the final straw. you realize that person will never change and you have no other choice, but to break it off. years later, when you drive past their neighborhood, you think, "dear god!, why did waste so much time with that person?!". maybe you laugh or cry, or do what i do best and let out a good deep annoyed breath.
so i walked away from that 'ex' with my eyes a little wider, mind a little opener, and heart a bit brokener. kinda of like when you realize that the american dream is, in fact, a dream. you start out with good intentions, but get lost somewhere along the way.
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